


Kill Shot

by LeSirene



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Attempt, clarke griffin deserved better, end of season 5 rewrite, fuck seasons 6 & 7, no beta we die like men, starts sad but then gets better i promise, we hate canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:35:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeSirene/pseuds/LeSirene
Summary: Three times had Clarke pointed a gun at her own head, but only once she pulled the trigger. In the other side of a bullet, she found out that her worst nightmare come true hadn’t been other than that: a terrible dream.Inspired by Twitter prompt: "What if s6-7 were all apart of Clarke's dream while in cryo?"
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 82





	Kill Shot

**Author's Note:**

> Please let’s collectively erase 7x14 from out minds, I didn’t even watched (had to take care of my mental health) it but I saw all the spoilers and… dear God, what were they even thinking? Anyways, enjoy non-ooc Clarke and the gang from s5.
> 
> HEY!!!!! It came to my attention that there's a strong suicide/suicide ideation Trigger Warning in place, so I added it to the tags and also edited the fic a bit, to tone it down. I didn't think of it before, but someone brought that up and I'm SO SORRY I missed that when first posting!!!!!!

Three times had Clarke pointed a gun at her own head, but only once she pulled the trigger.

The first time had been ages ago, when she found herself alone in an endless dessert, too desperate to keep on surviving on her own. That time, hope had saved her.

The second time had been a few weeks ago, when her daughter’s mind had been kidnapped by the memory of the Dark Commander. That time, Madi’s love had saved her.

The third time had been the last. That time, only misery and pain remained on the world, misery and pain and failure. She had seen it in Jordan’s eyes, had known it before he said it out loud: she had failed. They had lost the Last War. She had lost her humanity somewhere along the journey, and now all of Humanity was doomed because of her. 

Pulling the trigger had been almost  easy.

It hadn’t even hurt. She felt a small pressure at her temple, and that had been it. No pain, no suffering, not even the agony of slowly bleeding out as life dripped away from her. There had only been a last shuddering breath and then the white and blue light, and a distant voice that called her name again and again.

Inside of the light it was calm, all of her senses slightly blurry, like being underwater. It came from everywhere and nowhere, all at once, and it was gentle, far too gentle for her. She didn’t deserve to rest in peace, to be in the presence of the Light when she belonged to the Darkness.

As she thought that, a shadow materialised in the corner of her eye, small and hazy at first, until it took a familiar shape. She recognised him instantly: the outline of his strong shoulders, the curls on his hair, the silhouette of his raised hand, suspended in the air between them. Of course — _of course_ Bellamy would be the one to guide her to the Afterlife. Of course he’d be the one to hold her hand one last time, and his face would be the last thing she’d ever see before the bright Light or the deep Darkness devoured her.

His hand rested somewhere over her head, not close enough to feel his warmth, but she guessed that there would be no heat left there. Death had always been cold and distant, like that familiar hand that lingered just out of reach.

There was a strange noice, and then air poured into her lungs as if she truly had been underwater until that moment. The light became brighter, her surroundings less blurry, and his voice reached her ears, strong and steady:

“Hey,” he said, so casual that she almost couldn’t believe it. He was towering over her, standing, while she was lying on her back. And he didn’t looked like he did the last time she’d seen him, with a clean shave and those ridiculous white robes, but rather how he had been before that, with a beard and wearing one of Eligius’ grey shirts.

“Hey,” she answered, unable to say any anything else.

“Monty and Raven are waiting for us at the bridge,” he continued, a tentative smile on his face. “It took you a little longer to wake up.”

She could only stare at him. “What?”

“They want to show us something. Come on.” And he offered her a hand.

She took it out of instinct, but dropped it immediately. It was hot, too hot, in contrast with her frozen skin. Did Heaven and Hell work differently than what the tales told? Were the dead not separated into different places, but rather different experiences? Was Bellamy, forever the kind heart, warm, while a cold eternity awaited for her?

“Oh, sorry,” he said, removing his hand. “It takes a while for the skin to warm up.”

That made Clarke stare at him anew. Had he just apologised? Was _he_ apologising to _her_?

“I don’t understand,” she admitted, and Bellamy’s smile grew a little.

“It’s ok, take your time. Cryo isn’t the most pleasant experience ever.”

“Cryo?”

Clarke took in their surroundings for the first time, and found yet another familiar sight: Eligius’ cryosleep wing, just like she remembered it from a lifetime ago. Why had her mind, from all places, decided that that one was the last place she’d like to visit? Why not the Ark, or the Dropship, or Shallow Valley?

“Why are you here?” she asked Bellamy, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t start crying right then and there. She had no right of showing him how much she regretted pulling the trigger, destroying his heart with a bullet. She had no right. “You are not— Why are you here?”

“What do you mean?” he asked in return. “I already told you: Monty and Raven want to show us something.”

She looked around again: three chambers were empty, and the others were filled with faces that she could recognise: friends, allies, Grounders, Eligius’ criminals. Right next to one of the empty chambers she saw Harper’s relaxed face, and down the hall, Diyosas’, her stomach still very swollen.

“It makes no sense.” Her eyes wandered back to Bellamy, to the confused look on his face, and new tears came to her eyes. “Why are you here? I killed you,” she whimpered. “I killed you, Bellamy.”

The bewilderment on his eyes only grew. “Well, I managed to avoid the fighting pits. All’s not forgiven, but I think we can overlook it long enough to—”

“No!” she interrupted, gathering the strength to finally sit at her chamber. “I _shot_ you. In Sanctum.” Her hands travelled to the sides of her face, then to her eyes. “I killed you. _I killed you_ ,” she repeated again and again, until her voice broke.

Gentle hands wrapped around her wrists, taking her hands away from her face and then pulling her until she was standing up. For a moment she felt dizzy, but Bellamy’s strong grip held her in place.

“You are talking nonsense, Clarke,” he said, but his voice remained gentle. “What is a sanctum?”

“The planet!” She looked at him in disbelief, and he looked back at her the same way. “The place with the Primes! With the Stones! The _Shepherd_!” she insisted.

“Take a deep breath,” he commanded, and she obeyed. “We are in Eligius’ ship. There is no Sanctum. And I’m alive, see?” He took a step backwards, letting go of her wrists so she could take a look at him. He was also wearing the grey pants that matched his shirt, and the same old, worn pair of boots. “I’m all good.”

She shook her head, the tears falling freely from her eyes to her chin and then to the floor. It made no sense. How could he forget about Sanctum, about their fight against the Primes? How could he forget about his newfound faith, about the Shepherd he had followed until his very las breath?

It didn’t make sense.

But then she saw Madi. _Madi_ , safe and sound and perfectly asleep inside of her cryo chamber. _Madi_ , who everyone had assured they’d take care of until their dying breaths, too. Why would she be in the same place as Harper and Diyosa and Bellamy? Why would she be in the same place as herself, who had only minutes ago put a bullet on her own head?

The sound of footsteps echoed in the long wing, and two silhouettes appeared at the entrance. One walked with a slight limp, but the other held itself just fine. Raven. And _Monty_.

Once again, Clarke couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Come on, Sleeping Beauty!” Raven called, sounding far too excited. “We have worlds to conquer and aliens to fight.”

“I already told you, there’s no proof of intelligent life,” Monty told her. “And, if there were, _we_ ’d be the aliens, then.”

They reached their side in no time, and Clarke took a look at them, too. Same grey clothes, same young faces, twin smiles that looked at her with something that resembled cheerfulness. Looks she didn’t deserved, from any of them.

“What’s going on?” she asked, and this time Bellamy looked ready to put a straitjacket on her.

“The Earth’s healed!” Raven’s joyful tone informed. “We can go back down.”

Clarke took another moment to look around, to gather herself. Her mother was asleep in one chamber, Marcus at her side. Miller and Jackson right next to them. Octavia. Indra. Gaia. Murphy. Everyone was there, as if they had never left.

“Was it all... a dream?” she whispered, the words tangling with her tears.

Bellamy’s face relaxed for the first time, another smile spreading through his mouth. “It must’ve been.”

Clarke felt her knees giving up, but managed to remain standing. She took one, two steps towards him, and threw her arms around his chest. He caught her one moment later, his arms embracing her as they had done a million times before. Clarke breathed him in, cherishing his smell, his warmth, the way in which his chin rested on top of her head.

“I’m so sorry,” she said at last, making sure that her apology could make up for everything that gone wrong along the years. “I’m _so_ sorry, Bellamy.”

“We’ll figure it out,” he answered, but sounded unsure.

“Can’t you make up for lost time later? I don’t want to be on this damned ship forever.”

“Let them be, Raven, can’t you see that they’re having a moment?”

Less than twenty-four hours later, her feet touched the ground. The _Earth_. Glorious, bright, beautiful, green Earth. The excitement that flowed through Clarke’s veins could only be matched by the one she had felt a thousand years ago, when she had first arrived there. She breathed in the fresh air, took in the virgin land in front of her. And she started crying, once again.

She had never thought she’d breathe again, that she’d be able to see the blue sky with her own eyes. She had never thought she’d be able to feel as _happy_ as she felt at that exact moment, Madi and her mother by her sides, and all of their friends around them.

The climb towards normality was harsh and difficult, but the Earth, for the first time in their lives, was kind to them. Some of the plants and animals were new, but most of them they could recognise. They built houses and schools and lives, all from the ashes of the planet that had once felt like home. Until it felt like home again.

In the years to come, Clarke would never be exactly sure if her experience in Sanctum and Bardo had been real or not. Sometimes reality hit too close to her memories, like when Monty and Harper were the first ones to announce that they were having a baby —which turned out to be a girl—, or when they decided to take the Flame out of Madi’s head and burry it in the place where Polis had once stood, or when Bellamy told her, one starless night when she had been too tired to keep going, that _she was a fighter_.

But the worst parts of her nightmare never came true. They never found anything resembling a Stone, and no one’s body got snatched by a scientist with a god-complex, and she never, never again, held a gun to her own head. Or to her heart.

Clarke lived long enough to see Madi grow up and befriend the few kids that had lived in the Bunker, long enough for all of her own friends to forgive her and each other, long enough to see her friendship with Bellamy grow bigger and deeper, until deciding to be together for life had been the only sensible thing to do. She lived long enough to have _children_ with him, little kids with blue eyes and freckles and curly hair, who looked at her as if she was, despite everything, _a good person_. She even got to _feel_ good again.

There were nights when she woke up covered in a cold sweat that felt too much like blood, but every time Bellamy was there to bring her back to Earth. Eventually, she told him everything about her experience in worlds far away, and he understood, with time, why she sometimes spaced out just like that, or why she broke down crying when something bad didn’t happen, or happened in a different way than she had expected.

There were some nights, as well, when she simply couldn’t fall asleep, too frightened to wake up tied to one of Bardo’s machines, to discover that her nightmares where indeed true, and that what she believed to be reality was the actual dream. But that never happened. Sometimes she even wondered if pulling the trigger had been the actual trial, the actual test of the Last War, and if that one was Humanity’s second chance at doing better. But at the end she knew she would never be completely sure.

Clarke could only be thankful, forever thankful, for this new chance the Universe had given her, in whichever way it had happened. And she wouldn't let it go to waste.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! Thank you for reading this far!
> 
> Originally, I had wanted to make this longer and more dramatic, but it stared hitting too close to home. I might continue this/make a longer version sometime in the future, after I’m done with my current multichapter (archiveofourown.org/works/25964335). For the time being, I wanted to erase s7 from all of our heads, and maybe a little of s6, too. I honestly think the show should’ve ended with them going back to the ground and rebuilding from the ashes, or with the last scene of s5, when they wake up in a new (and empty) planet. Good thing we have fanfiction, right? (Btw: if anyone knows of a good fanfic along those lines, please share it in the comments!)
> 
> See ya!! Le Sirène Xx


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